Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Inside it all feels the same



In the summer of 2006 I was a bright-eyed intern working at Universal Studios in Los Angeles, happy to just be allowed on the backlot. One mercilessly sunny day, I was in the dup house picking up a few DVDs that we had sent in to be copied. The attendant had disappeared into the back to dig up my order, and I looked at the volumes and volumes of tapes and DVDs that were sitting around on the shelves, some neatly bundled and ordered in color-coded and alphabetized stacks, others orphaned and strewn carelessly about the various counters and tables.

One disc caught my eye in particular, sheathed unglamorously in a white disc envelope, a cellophane window laying bare its plain label for the whole world to see. It read, "Friday Night Lights: Pilot."

That was the beginning.

I remember thinking at the time, "That might be interesting." And that was it, mostly. I'd really liked the movie, and loved the restrained and moody score that Austin post-rock band Explosions In The Sky had composed (or re-recorded) for it. I did have an incredible urge to swipe one of the screener DVDs in that dup house, fueled by the intense curiosity of just what this TV version could be. I debated for the twenty seconds or so I had before the attendant came back out, and decided I liked my job, so I walked out of there with only the discs I had come to claim. And yet.

A few months pass. Summer comes to its inevitable end, and the Fall TV season starts. The first Tuesday of that October, the show premieres. I watch the pilot. I meet these strangers in Texas, speaking of God and football in equal reverence. I learn their names. I learn their dreams, their fears. I watch Coach Eric Taylor and his wife Tammy face the expectations of the entire town of Dillon. I watch Tim Riggins toast "Texas forever." I watch the lights of a high school football field turn on, the air buzzing with the electricity that only a high school football game in Texas can generate. I watch.

I watch Jason Street go down preventing that pick-six. I watch an undersized, scared, wide-eyed boy wearing #7 take up the reins of that offense. I watch the time run down, down, down. I watch him, that boy Matt Saracen, throw a Hail Mary bomb downfield. I watch the crowd explode. His eyes were open. His eyes were open. Now mine were too.

Five seasons later, what began as nothing more than a sudden curiosity and an urge for larceny, turned into exhilaration and admiration and respect and love. It turned into a relationship. And I know it's just a TV show, but what a TV show. What an enriching and rewarding TV show. It was never watched as much as it should have been, nor was it ever celebrated to the degree that it deserved, but the loyalists who knew the show championed it and preached it to any who would listen. Improbably, it survived poor ratings, a strike-shortened second season, and almost certain cancellation. Casey and Ryan and I always talked how with the last three seasons, we were basically playing with house money. The show got to continue, to excel even, reaching new heights. Most importantly, it got to end on its own terms. And for that, I am thankful. For that, I am at peace.

I will miss the characters and cinematography and music and stories that journeyed with me across four apartments and two timezones. I will miss the show the way that I would miss a good friend who I knew couldn't stay. Someone who made my life a little better, an hour a week at a time. I'll toast him with a beer, say with him a promise of "Texas forever," and watch him drive into that approaching night, feeling empty and full at the same time. Goodbye, Friday Nights. You taught me that a few will never give up on you, that those are the people to carry with you in your heart. That sometimes, just wanting to be better is enough, that character is in the trying. But most of all, you taught me this:

Clear eyes, full hearts.

Can't lose.

Monday, February 07, 2011

But I am more than a shadow

At first, I think I'm watching a Paul Thomas Anderson picture. Only, it's no Paul Thomas Anderson picture that I've ever seen before. And suddenly I realize, I'm not watching a Paul Thomas Anderson picture, I'm in a Paul Thomas Anderson picture. The two child characters with me in the scene stare at me with grim faces full of distrust as I try unsuccessfully to convince them of our situation. A glaring sun overhead anesthetizes the chromatics in the vaguely familiar suburbia, and it sounds like it might be late spring or early summer. "This isn't it," I say, "this isn't it at all." She turns to him, squinting in the light, and I can see it in their dirt-brushed cheeks, their popsicle-stained lips. When I wake with the phantoms of my pleas still echoing in the cold February morning, I discover I've woken too early, as I suspected I would.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Why I ran away I'll never know

While I grow weary of having to defend LA from dismissive outsiders/jaded residents, there are moments in this city where I wonder how anyone looking hard enough couldn't find some measure of happiness here.

One of the things that's great about this city is that, whether it's the mountains or the beach, pretty much anything you want can be found just an hour away. And now, some memories from this last month back in the city whose shadow I grew up in:


We found snow on Mount Baldy. And then we were paid to have adventures here. There was a hill. It was climbed. Much was recorded for posterity. All was well.


We spent a day in the ocean. Or two. She bade us farewell with colors.

Dive certified? Yessir. I wish I had more photos from inside the city proper, but the bulk of this trip was spent behind Possible's doors, cooking up our particular brand of magic. There are exciting things on the horizon, to be sure.

Tomorrow, I get on a plane to take me back to the East Coast, and the life I left there. The amount I ache to return to my adoptive city surprises even me. It was good to be back in the home that was made for me, but I can't wait to be back in the home I have made for myself.

Still, LA's place in my heart remains unmoved. This is me, right here.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I was sure you'd give me more.

Not even a cat was out. The rain surged down with a steady drone. It meant to harm New York and everyone there. The gutters could not contain it. Long ago they had despaired of the job and surrendered. But the rain paid no attention to them…New York people never lived in houses or even in burrows. They inhabited cells in stone cliffs. They timed the cooking of their eggs by the nearest traffic light. If the light went wrong, so did the eggs…

“I don’t like civilization,” she said, to the rain.

-- from Barbara Newhall Follett's Lost Island, published in 1934 when she was 19 years old, 7 years after her first novel The House Without Windows arrived to stunning acclaim and 5 years before she disappeared forever.

http://www.laphamsquarterly.org/essays/vanishing-act.php?page=all